when the class bristles too early to leave, before our professor raises his voice, i want to run to the front and shake his hand and clap his shoulder and say, hey, that's good, that's so good, you did great, congratulations, you're all right

whatever the professor says, i want to yell THAT'S SO INCREDIBLE and tear my notes in amazement and climb four or five rows below me on seat backs and arm rests and kind of fall a lot and try to run away and push on the wrong door and push for obviously longer than it takes to find out it's locked and cross the floor and almost get out except be told no that's a fire door it will set off alarms and then i want to go back to my seat and be quiet

i want to get up and clear my throat and tell everyone how i used to be so smart but i am really dumb now and tell them how i wear down sharp points and look too much at lights and reflections and blank exteriors and get lost daily due to a poor grasp of the operations in door knobs and latches and coin changers and electronic keypads and commercial transactions and topics of conversation and i want to sit down largely ignored

i want to raise my hand all the time but i don't have anything to say

i want to raise my hand and say something very very long and enunciated and completely incoherent and look really expectant and open afterward

i want to leave class early and come back and say sorry i thought i had the wrong room and sit down and take notes

i want to stand by the other blackboard and copy all the mathematics our professor writes on his blackboard onto my blackboard exactly until they are both full and then we exchange places

i want to sit in one classroom for twelve hours a day and attend whatever classes happen around me

i want to attend all of my classes simultaneously

i want to be a part of elaborate operations largely unnoticed and symbolic

i want to invent elaborate operations that arrange matter & experience into completely novel symbolic structures

i want to invent elaborate operations the apprehension of which creates completely novel structures in your mind for arranging matter & experience

i want to raise my hand and answer the question and tell everyone how i am so smart for knowing the answer to the question but wait and apologize and say no sorry i lied i'm really dumb actually sorry and sit down