might delete this i don't know, becomes increasingly inaccurate with time

slept thru my classes today which is bad

still feeling 'residual' shame

what is my problem, i have no problems

i have some problems, they are very nice problems and more pleasing than other problems i could have which i would not like

feel unsure as to the meaning of feeling good about doing anything not directed toward resolution of very broad and complex and seemingly intractable failures to provide or allow among other things food shelter care and security from violence for very high numbers and percentages of humans against which i lack even basic technical competence such as in matters of agriculture irrigation water sanitization waste disposal medical treatment medical advance energy production research and policy and trade and governance and all technological and epistemic refinement and many other things which i have gotten confused trying to list but which generally can help people

and i just leave it nebulous and opaque

and lie on my bed in the dark or with the lights on thinking about everything that has ever happened and how it is no longer happening and how we are so fucked because of this

very irresponsible

really don't want to be at school right now

honestly feel bad sometimes that people have to see me

like due to ignorance and neglect of ignorance

i am doing everything wrong

and making everything terrible

for everybody

which is actually really narcissistic so i have been trying to 'dissociate' in these situations and focus on the most prominent immediate external sensations

such as

everybody

and the vague arrangement of overhead fluorescent lights in the dull-worn linoleum

and the pendulous weight of my bag

and the excerpts of conversations overheard which collated with other sensations and the quality of light and sense of location become in me a totally unique and never before existing coherent and non-reproducible monologue owing to impossibility of anyone else occupying exact same space / time as me

and i focus on these sensations and can in this way feel that these sensations are all that i exist as

i don't think 'i am only these sensations'

i sort of stop thinking in favor of them

and then my body which contains my mind is just one of many things that i have not noticed yet

i don't know if maybe this is irresponsible

borges wrote in an essay about this i think

I, as I write this, am only a certainty that seeks out the words that are most apt to compel your attention — that proposition and a few muscular sensations and the sight of the limpid branches that the trees place outside my window . . .

so maybe it is only this recount of worry that is narcissistic and irresponsible

and located somewhere between them is my failure to do / feel able to do anything of or toward any consequence in helping anyone

i don't know i am very confused and it seems like this confusion is also irresponsible and an excuse in the way you can hide in blankets and the blankets can feel very safe though they are not safe at all and you know that

i don't know this post feels 'indulgent' and 'juvenile'