for a long time the 'basic element' of relationships with other people for me was to 'impress' them

childhood and adolescence

less charitably the basic element of other people for me was 'how can i defeat them'

this was terrible and i was a shit and lonely and i did not like my friends

and gradually i thought i should only 'accept' people

totally and passively

which engenders many and lame tepid friendships which could not sustain 'love' or any very strong emotions

and i gave up then because the texture of everything felt the same

and when i met people

i asked many questions

and this was forced and this was as unbalanced as before

then there is a long absence in this history

and i don't know what happened then

now i feel like i should only 'share' / 'encourage'

like the most important thing is to try to understand how a person sees themselves and to appreciate very hard & vocally all the ways they succeed in that image

and to understand each 'flaw'

as just another manifestation of being (which is complex)

without innate value more or less than any other thing

and i should share and encourage with no necessary expectation of return

sometimes i feel bad for the innumerable honest things i could have but did not say to my last girlfriend (we don't talk anymore)

which would have made her feel good or better about herself and her actions thoughts habits body and many many fears

i remember her eyes squinted and dripping in the shower, her hair flattened and her hands folded just below her belly, and she laughed and filled her mouth under the spray and she spit water at our faces

i said a few good things, i don't know why not more

possibly i thought she would not believe me and then not trust me and then not like me anymore

kind of fucked

and a failure of 'encouragement'

'encouragement' seems a good value and i will hold on to it and if i can i think i will be better