worked on set theory problems, was preoccupied with symbols and peculiar thoughts and certainties then finished and looked and saw three hours had passed

which i like, time seeming to pass quicker or all at once

but mathematics is frustrating

seems like good students of mathematics probably find difficulties in the structure of things 'exhilarating' and are motivated by a love for the limitless variety and complexity of all difficulties existing in the structure of things

whereas i am very frustrated and feel most like having crying jags due to difficulties in the structure of things

i continue to study mathematics because of inertia and because it seems beautiful and 'pure' in a way that i alternately appreciate / am defeated by and because i want to finish a degree already

i have three transfers and twice 'dropped out' — once of illness, once because i couldn't get over images of illness spreading to fill every space on campus — and this somehow makes it seem important to finish a degree already

and find other ways of causing feelings of 'time passing all at once'

for instance

if i could sleep all day indefinitely waking one minute every 8 - 12 hours to see what time has passed and how the light has changed and maybe record this in a notebook briefly / using shorthand

i would do that

until like the giant worm in super-frog saves tokyo my brain turns into jelly and

he probably isn’t thinking anything at all, just lying there and feeling every little rumble and reverberation that comes his way, absorbing them into his body and storing them up 

seems good but impossible

which i read years ago and now remember